Second Guess

I just sang "Happy Birthday" to one of my BFFs Brooke on her voicemail. Half way through my wonderful rendition, I thought, "man, I really hope I didn't call the wrong person." I do the same thing almost every time I walk into a public restroom. I look at the woman's restroom sign, walk in the door and then panic and think "oh my goodness, did I accidentally go into the men's bathroom?" and look around frantically for those gross urinal things and plan an exit strategy. I always do this at Outback because they make the restroom signs cryptic.

This all sounds silly, and it is, but I just realized that I have a tendency to second guess my decisions and actions WHILE I am in the midst of them. I can't decide if this is good or bad. I'm going to not good...

My Experience...

at Passion 2010.

Worshipping with 20,000+ people will NEVER GET OLD. It is so powerful and freeing and... and... awesome, for lack of a better word.

I got to see Beth Moore speak. Twice. I LOVE her. She tells it like it is, and challenges my walk with the Lord. One particular story she shared is still on my heart... She talked about a boy who has multiple seizures in one minute and how he got to participate in the Special Olympics. He ran a race and did his best, but came in last. At the medal ceremony though, he got the gold medal. His mom asked why he was first place if he finished last, to which they told her: he was the only one who stayed in his lane... Oh ya'll, I wish I could type what Beth said next word for word, but just imagine her southern accent saying... We have to stay in our lane, do not compare our race to any other runners, but keep our eyes on Jesus, and stay in our own lane!

I LOVE IT. Every single time I find myself comparing myself to others, which unfortunately I do sometimes still, I remind myself to stay in my lane. I wish ya'll could have heard her, I know I'm not doing her justice.

Well, even though I was only there for 2 days, I feel like I am still processing everything. The conclusion I keep coming to is this: I want more Jesus and He is better than everything and anything.

Passion 2010

OHHHH MY GOODNESS.

Have I mentioned that I am leading a college girls group through my church? No? Oh, well I am. So, I was invited to go as a "leader" to Passion 2010 and of course, I said YES. Except then I had to say no, and here is why:

Passion is from Jan 2- Jan 5, and now that I am working woman, I have to think ahead about vacay time. Any other year, I'd say "whatever! take my vacation days - I don't care, just get me to Passion." But this isn't any other year. Zach deploys this spring. Again. And, I want to make sure I have time to see my NJ fam, especially after the loss of my cousin a few months ago.

So, I prayed about it, and knew that I shouldn't take any vacation days. I sadly turned down the opportunity in an email and snuck in the line "But, hey, if you have any extra tickets, I can go Sat/Sun." Ha, yea right.

Except, RIGHT! 3 days before Passion I found out they needed an extra driver - and only for the drive down to ATL. So, God worked out a way to get me to Passion, and I am so thankful that He did.

I have now wasted too much time explaining how I got there and why I am not there anymore, so I'll write tomorrow about the best, most important part: the experience.

Community

I have been in the same community group (through Grace Community Church), for about 2 years. I can't begin to convey what a blessing it has been to do life with such an amazing group of people, but I will try....

If you know me, and I am sure you do if you are reading this, then you know that I spent 3.5 years living with my best friends in college. Then I lived at home with my family, who I love and really love living with. (You know, some people say, "I could never go back and live with me parents!!" Well, I could and be totally happy.) Then I got married. Then I moved to Clarksville, then Zach deployed, and then I was alone - more alone than I had ever been in my life. AND THEN, I joined a community group (we'll just say CG from here out). It was awkward and lonely at first. It was my first time being in a Bible study as a married woman and I was there without my husband, and my first time being in a co-ed group. But, being in this CG clicked. It was such a God thing. My friends in CG made Clarksville feel like home.

So, the first year of being in this group, Zach was deployed. I can remember one of his first times coming to CG - it was our Christmas party and by this point we were all very comfortable with each other. I was so nervous, because Zach was new and I didn't want him to feel like an outsider...Ya'll, the guys in the group totally welcomed him, hung out with him outside of our meetings, and made him feel included. Seeing the difference of this past Christmas party compared to his first was such a blessing...

The deal with CG's at my church is that we join new groups after so much time. For the past few months I have been DREADING the "break-up" of our group because they are my friends, my family. I practically lead a revolt against the ending of our CG (sorry about that Ben!) So, tonight was our last night meeting (officially) and I was so sure I'd cry and get upset. I didn't. But I did cry because I was laughing so hard. And that pretty much sums it up.

God is so faithful, He is my Provider and Sustainer, and I can't wait to see how He moves in the next CG I get to be apart of. I pray that you too have found people to do life with. Don't give up if you haven't, I know the Lord will provide for you as He has for me.

Chicken

I just cooked and pulled a whole chicken for the first time in my life. I feel like I can conquer anything now! I feel domesticated and motherly. I feel tired.

This incredible feat never would have happened without my friends and family. I would like to God first and foremost. Thank you, Grammy for giving me some Italian genes. I can practically hear my ancestors applauding (think: Mulan.) To Zach, for always adding more salt... Everything tastes less salty when you are gone. To Mom, for always giving me advice on things I should already know. And of course, to those brave enough to eat my cooking, without you all this is for nothing.

(Side note: in the middle of my thank you speech, I heard someone at my door. Since it is close to 11 PM, I totally freaked out/my heart is still pounding. Of course, I didn't see anyone, but I know my door made a noise, and my guess now is that someone slammed their car door and it did something to the front door. Nonetheless, I am sleeping with a gun next to my pillow. My new resolution for 2010: get a carry permit and hit up the shooting range. Seriously.)

New Moon

My good friend, Lucy, has convinced me to break my blog silence to write my thoughts on New Moon. And you know, you really have to twist my arm to talk about the Twilight Series....

I read the books a little over a year ago, and you can check out my obsession here. I was SO excited about the first movie. After seeing Twilight, I was so let down. The acting was 'blah', and it didn't capture the love between Bella and Edward that the book portrayed. (No movie could, I guess.) So, going into New Moon, I knew that it wouldn't live up to the book and HAD to be better than the first movie. OHHH I was not disappointed with the second movie!!

I will forever be Team Edward. But Lucy made some really great points about Jacob in the movie (really, go read her blog, she is amazing). I probably never would have noticed because I am blinded by my devotion (haha) to Edward. The movie really did show Jacob as a legitimate and really, a healthier choice for Bella. I get that. Esthetically, Jacob blew Edward out of the water. And that is all I have to say about that.

I will be seeing the movie again soon, so perhaps I will have even more insight. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving!

Surreal

Surreal. That is the only word I have for this past weekend, because this past weekend I attended the funeral of my younger cousin, Ben. Surely, this past weekend did not actually happen.

Unfortunately, it did.

I have felt many emotions toward God, but never the anger I felt last week. I have never been so angry. Angry that He took such a lively, loving, giving, smart, talented, and wonderful 20 year old. Angry that my aunt and uncle lost their son, that my cousin lost his brother. Angry that I grew up so far away from my family, angry that my family had been robbed of any future times with Ben. I was angry.

In a moment of Grace, God dispelled my anger and replaced it with thankfulness for the times I have had with Ben, and that the knowledge that I will see him again.

And so, somehow, I am thankful.