i am still shaking

i just want everyone to know i killed an enormous bug - i think it was a "house centipede" just as i have pictured. it was disgusting and i am still shaking and when zach's deployment is over i refuse to kill another bug or spider. i will also refuse to deal with car crap, grilling, worrying at night, taking buck out at 4 in the morning, driving entire car trips, plumbing, and bills... thats all i can think of now and i am too shook up from the bug massacre to think of the many other things i will give up when zach gets back.

oh, and if there are ladies out there that would say that i am losing "independence" or that it seems very 50's housewife of me to not do these things... well, whatev to you. i will do my 15 months worth and then be done with it.

that was quite a rant... my apologies. i am not angry person - just angry at bugs.

this is going to freak people out

...especially the husband. unfortunately it has been on my mind.... and so it makes the blog.

i am not quite sure when my love for children set in. way way back, i know that. in college, i was thankful for a "redneck vs emo" party because i got to plastic wrap a pillow to my abdomen and look pregnant. but now that i am volunteering in the nursery, baby fever has set in. not so much "give me a baby now" fever but more, "wow, i don't want a baby now, but i am really excited about having one later" sort of fever. i also began to pray daily for zach and i as parents and for the unborns... and there is something about praying about it that puts even more of a desire and excitement in my heart. OH and the fact that zach is gone makes it impossible to have a lil one - and you know how it is - one always want what isn't possible. right? haha. oh whatever. (just to make it clear - i really do not want a baby now. really. it will be a good 4-5 years, and i am f i n e with that. so you can take a breath now, zach.)

ok, totally switching gears. i found the most amazing show EVER. it is called "college hill: atlanta." it is pretty much BET's version of the real world and oh my goodness it is entertaining. check it out so i have someone to discuss it with. i just literally laughed out loud thinking about it...

switching gears on last time, i just want to say i am LOVING my Bible study and Lord knows i am needing the interaction this week. so, thank You Jesus...

PTL

So yesterday was Easter. I stayed in Clarksville. I started to work the nursery a few weeks ago, and felt like my help might be needed on Easter Sunday. I have to admit, after church, it was a lonely day. Even going to church is can seem lonely, but on Easter I tried to really reflect on how Christ has carried me through these past 6 months. And yesterday, during worship, I was almost thankful for to be alone* - I knew He was there and that is all I need. (We sang one of my favorite songs. You can hear it here on youtube, but I can't find a version that is as good as ours was at church yesterday - led of course by The Daniel Doss Band. )

I had another strange glimpse today of how God provides. Hopefully I can explain it so that it makes sense, sometimes I have a hard time - especially when it seems so crystal clear in my mind. Anyways, Buck, my dog, didn't eat all day today. So around 9PM he started to cry and run up to me and then run to the pantry and just whiiine. The thing is, food has been in his bowl all day long. I finally grabbed some of his food and held it out to him in my hand. Even then, he backed up and was afraid. Once he came to me, he realized it was food, ate it and then went and ate out of his bowl. He is sort of dumb. But, how many times have I had everything I need - right it front of me. Except, I'll cry for it and whine about it until God hands it to me... and then it frightens and startles me!! Only after do I realize God has been providing the entire time. Typical. Guess I am not too smart either haha.

OH and Fantasy Baseball has begun!! I actually miss hearing all the convo about it and the Sundays spent waiting for games to end so I could hang out with my friends haha. I'm pulling for Zach's team to win because I get a little shopping spree if he gets first place!! (That is my incentive to cheer for him and not get irritated with it all haha.)

*I was thankful to be alone in the moment, yes. BUT I know I wasn't created to be alone. So of course, I would have rejoiced to have Zach by me, and much rather preferred it that way :)

glitz

last night i was bored and sort of lonely and couldn't think of anything to do. i have been chewing my nails down lately, so i thought i'd get them done. a little treat for myself. or so i thought.

i should have known from the beginning it might not go well. when the lady put the tips on, i told her, at least twice to please cut them shorter, because i like short nails. she kept saying "oh, ill file them - do not worry!" she kept going, and at the end, painted them. i was already sort of upset because they were too long, but then it happened. she put GLITTER on my nails. she painted a strip of glitter beneath the white of my french manicure. i didn't even have an option. the said thing is, this is not the first time a nail lady has put glitter on me - it happened last year too when i got a pedicure. is it the way i look or dress? something about me must scream "please, i need silver glitter to feel complete!" goodness. the most frustrating thing is that i tried to be assertive, but the nail lady still did whatev she wanted.

needless to say, i am looking ghetto fab these days...

6 MONTHS!!

Yup! 6 months of the deployment have gone by. It is a bittersweet feeling. Obviously, it means leave is closer and that is so great. But, it means that I haven't seen Zach in six months and that is just wrong. In celebration of 6 months down, 9 to go I posted this pick of Zach and me at Mr & Mrs. Kimsey's wedding. Next wedding: Grant and Lucy... yay!

Recently I have been reading some blogs written by people living in Iraq. Some are Iraqis, some are journalists, and some are soldiers. It has been really interesting and I would encourage you to Google "Iraqi blogs" and just pick one to read. Some blogs are heartbreaking, some are encouraging, some are just angry - all of which are legit reactions to all the things going on there, I think.

But, anyways I am so ready for spring. Oh, and I just switched my career choice... all in a week. haha :) More on that later.

ohh i don't know.

i am utterly spoiled. there is no denying it. i have a wonderful husband, a roof (and a cute one at that) over my head, education, friends, and family, and i live in america.
normal, nothing out of the ordinary, american life.
(i am not just spoiled here on earth, but by my Heavenly Father, i am blessed with earthy and heavenly possessions. and so much so that it would be pointless to list all He has done for me. )

and then i started thinking about the line "God bless america" and all this reminds me of something louie giglio said. (ok, i think it was him, but now i'm not sure... if anyone can verify, i'd appreciate it.) so, giglio said something along the line of "we always say 'God bless america.' HE has. america needs to bless God." love it. i don't have energy to really talk about this right now, but obviously the statement says it all.

for whatever reason, i feel God giving my heart the ability to grieve for places that i have never been, people i have never met, and situations that i have never experienced. sometimes zach says i should just worry about what is going on in my life, but i am so thankful that i am not able to just focus on my life. i mean, PTL*. (side note: it is not that zach wants me to "not care", its more that he doesn't like to see me upset.) and don't get me wrong, i am usually all wrapped up in me and my small, bubble of a life - but Jesus is giving me sweet glimpses of love outside myself.

in other news, i will begin volunteering in the nursery tomorrow at church!! i am excited and slightly worried - you know, new people, new experience, lots of babies. it could be good though, because the more nervous and tired the nursery makes me, the less likely i will want my own little ones any time in the next 3 years. (be thankful zachary) :)

*Praise the Lord

books

alright, before i came back to TN, i bought a book on tape. i had already read this book, but it has been a few years, so i thought it might be nice to "read" it again. sadly, it wasn't as good on tape - the reader was too uptight so the book wasn't as funny. regardless - it was a sophie kinsella book, so i loved it anyways.

but the real reason for this blog is for the mark of the lion series - written by francine rivers. ya'll, go get it, read it, and love it, just like i have. on tuesday, i had to get my car fixed, so i sat there for 4.5 hours. luckily i had "a voice in the wind," which is the first book of the series, with me. i ignored all school work for the day, and finished the book that day.

just for some background, the story takes place in israel about 20 years after Jesus was crucified. it follows hadassah and her journey as a slave with a roman family. hadassah's devotion to the Lord and how it affects those around her is simply inspiring and hopeful and incredible. i know that some Christian fiction is corny, but these books are q u a l i t y.

also, i am reading "the five love languages".... hopefully when zach comes home for leave i will be fully prepared to just love on him and do so unselfishly. CANNOT WAIT!! ps- his leave has changed to the end of may... the count down begins!!

africa or the upper east side?

i am torn. and it may sound silly, but it has become quite a dilemma in my life. half of me wants to just totally sell out to some worthy cause like, mother theresa style. that part of me wants to leave NO carbon foot prints. this half of me would become vegan or something crazy. i'd move to africa and teach children how to read. i'd build wells and hospitals. now the other half of me wants to go crazy in the opposite way. this part of me wants to have so much stuff that its just wasteful - i'm talking veneers, done up hair, facials every week, clothes that only get worn once, and some vehicle that only has like, 5 of them made in the world. and i wouldn't be vegan because i'd have a personal trainer and a cook.

obviously, these two lifestyles don't go hand in hand. all week i've been stressed about this conflict, and it might sound corny - but unless i turn to the Lord for direction i will be stuck in limbo forever. only He can help me maintain self-control and reign in the the gluttonous life style that is america. i just want something in the middle... or really, just to be content where i am.

randomness

well, i got to talk to zach today. finally. i have been spoiled since he was on the mitt team... he had internet in his room and seemed to be "done" for the day at a considerable time. but the new place he is at sort of sucks. when he gets online its for like, 5 minutes. and he calls me when it is one in the morning his time and he should be asleep then! AND his leave which was supposed to be in june might change since he just changed companies. army is pushing it. we very much so have a love-hate relationship. (mostly hate haha.) i don't want to go into a lot of detail, but any "army wife" understands the stress and uncontrollable worry. thats a lie, i am guessing it could be controlled, but it is hard to do so. i am not sure where i am going with this, so i'll just stop. (side note: i am aware that many wives go for days longer than i do before talking to their husbands. i am blessed with what i have been given... i am just tired of deployment.)

ANYWAYS does anyone other than me watch "america's best dance crew?" i am loving it. i am so torn between kaba modern and jabbawockeez.

also, buck had a photo shoot yesterday. enjoy :)

oh.my.gosh.

so my mom and i just finished "becoming jane" - everything about it made me ALMOST love it. love the princess diaries girl, and love james mcavoy. (except don't ever go see atonement... very sad. i mean, tragic.) and of course, i LOVE jane austen. now, i don't mean to give anything away, but if you know anything about jane austen, you know she never married. so, there ya go. this is why i ALMOST loved the movie - no happy ending for "becoming jane." which was just devastating to me. for instance, i HATED, and i mean H A T E D "in good company." i can remember walking out of the movie with the worst feeling. and all because of the horrible ending.



so there is no point to this blog, except to vent my feelings. if i am going to see a movie, i want a happy ending. i want the pretty people to fall in love. i want them married and happy and to live like that for the rest of their long lives. and it truly breaks my heart that jane austen could write these stories, but not have one of her own.

Prayer Request

So, this morning I was trying to think of something of fun to blog about. You know, my trip to Suwanee or my sister's annoying habits. However, these things have been overshadowed. My friend called me a few hours ago to let me know that her husband, Mike, is coming home because he was injured from an ied. He will be okay, but he has shrapnel in the left side of his body and will need physical therapy from a knee injury. Praise the Lord he survived, but it is an ugly reminder of every day occurrences in Iraq. I ask that if you feel moved to do so, please pray for Mike,his wife, and two children.

A few weeks ago I heard this really awesome Pastor talk about Iraq and how he believes that Iraq is more than just a physical war. Because of the country's history, there is a lot of spiritual warfare going on there. I totally agree and thinking of it in that way has changed how I pray for Iraq...

On a lighter note, I bought new Nike's today and I just ate a few Cheetos.